"To get me to watch a movie it needs to either look like I will actively get what I wanted, or really stupid."
I was going to make a Letterboxd or something, but then I realized that would expose people who are Very Serious About Films to my movie opinions, so I made this instead. Welcome to my horror show.
(2 Stars is an average, passing grade.)
This is the movie ever.
First watched: Who Freaking Knows Anymore! | Added: Sept. 9th, 2025
I have legitimately never been in this much agony experiencing any media. Torture device. Humanity was a mistake. Kid on the left radiates the exact energy as Hayner from Kingdom Hearts 2 though.
First watched: In the last 3 years, but I hope to never remember the specifics. | Added: Sept. 9th, 2025
I bought a copy of this because I needed enough for free shipping one time and this seemed really funny to own. (It is.)
All things considered, with everyone who dunks on it, this movie is oddly competent. It's also utterly incompetent, and has nothing to do with Final Fantasy other than a guy named "Sid", which isn't even the right spelling.
Not once is a spell cast, nor any swords equipped or anything. Just a few space marine types with guns fighting weird aliens. There's this Eclipse Cannon thing the movie involves heavily and it's named "Zeus", like right on the side of the thing. You guys, Ramuh was right there. The CGI is really good though! It very much feels like what the PS1 games prior were trying to do in their FMV scenes.
The actual story content was fairly together, but it also felt like it needed 18-20 more hours of scenes compounded with 20 hours of interactive, hands-on experience with the world to make it feel tangible, instead of like a bunch of weird snapshots with a SparkNotes summary of ideas. I sure wonder why this is.
Being frank, I get the impression this was not supposed to be Final Fantasy at all, at some point in production. The late 90s to early 2000s in general is Square's most experimental era with series, so it's not impossible.
Also there was this part of the movie where a guy comtemplated suicide on screen with a gun to his head. ...Can you believe this is the second thing in the FF series I've ever finished?
First watched: Aug. 8th, 2025 | Added: Sept. 10th, 2025
I'm not the biggest Transformers fan, but I think that is in no small part to me never seeing the toys in stores outside of the ones for the live-action movies (they only ever had Power Rangers). Maybe I would be attached to cars in general if I did?? I never got into Hot Wheels, so I have no clue.
It was very focused on Cybertron which I knew very little about (in general), and it did not in disappoint in that regard and felt pretty clean. But similarly, being Transformers, a lot of things about defining the world were already done and they just had to image and show their take on it.
In any case, it was pretty cool, felt decently focused. They took a targeted shot at their primary theme, and succeeded. Impressively low on jokes made to actively appease Demographic Average Children in fear they won't get it—In 15 years those kids will be saying "Still holds up today." or something due to the lack of fart jokes.
The actors were not bad but, in the second half I wondered why it felt kind of bland and also why the voices seemed familiar. The answer is A-list live actor casting. It looked very nice; they should make a toyline out of it. I have nothing against the Pixar look, but I am glad other studios are truly branching out now.
It was not the greatest, but I very much felt I would watch 50 more of them if they ever got made. (I then found out a sequel was cancelled for a movie about poop.)
First watched: Aug. 12th, 2025 | Added: Sept. 10th, 2025
I'm sorry.
This movie was entertaining. It was extremely stupid and you could tell Whoopi Goldberg did NOT want to be there. But also way more detailed in world than I possibly expected. Which really isn't much, but still. They had a whole thing about like, dinosaurs who die getting their like, liquid ashes (essentially) given to all the others at the funeral. That's already above and beyond the clear target audience of 7-to-9 year olds in their fleeting dinosaur phase (poseurs).
There's this like, thing about dinosaur-to-human specisists? Allusions to cross-species dating? The main villain is a guy who's super into eugenics?? ...How did this movie get made and why?
Anyway, I'm really sorry for giving it 2 whole stars. If it sounded like I was hyping this up earlier, I'm not. A significant amount of runtime is spent on watching a T-Rex eat cookies obsessively and breaking small objects by pure accident. I cannot stress enough that there is a scene of a singing dinosaur lady being paraded around by two buff shirtless dudes. ...Okay, maybe I'm making it sound good again. Ignore that.
I genuinely liked this on account of being dumb alone. If I'm being honest, I wish more movies would spend their money on things like this. I'd certainly watch more movies of my own free will.
First watched: Sept. 8th, 2025 | Added: Sept. 10th, 2025
Listen. I was told this movie inspired The World Ends With You, and immediately went to find it.
Is that remotely true? I have no idea, but it's very believable. Neku putting up with dozens of extremely insane people with specific aims and pet peeves and also do small talk really well and better than him is exactly like this.
I had to watch this in a second monitor while typing other stuff (like this very review) because it was kind of rough for me. Not my general type of uh, content, in the slightest but the delivery quality is undeniable.
In a lot of ways this movie is all over the place, one minute it is making the most frank statements about life & conveyances of pain, and then the next they are talking about superhero sex organs [sic]. It was VERY disorienting.
In general, my favorite bits were mostly (MOSTLY) void of crass or severe content that were most of the bits, just the really straightforward punchlines and slapstick (which often times was from the fallout of the prior). I say "most" because the rapid-fire content blast of the cruder jokes is hard to not feel. They truly keep you guessing, which is the real spirit of humor itself. I never ended up groaning, anyway.
But honestly I don't think they really put these type of things in theaters anymore though? And I think that's a shame if true. The movie itself won't rank high for me, but the bit about food courts and eateries will live with me forever and I don't think it was likely to come from anything with a filter.
It was pretty clear that I was not the intended audience, but really I wouldn't be surprised if the intended one got a whole lot out of it, potentially on a positive, life changing scale. Just like me and The World Ends With—
First watched: Sept. 9th, 2025 | Added: Sept. 10th, 2025